Lets talk about love. Yup I said it. Do you find that the romance area is always slightly deterred by something else? Your kid become mood killers, or the ex text at just the right time. yeah major mood killers.
So first a little funny story, well I say funny but really not so funny. Very personal but also gives some insight. I love my hubby, sex with us when we first got married was amazing. Beyond amazing, and very often. One day we were in the middle of a intimate moment and my phone rang, well my ringtones are all basically associated with the person so this tone was for his daughter. I, of course panicked because his daughter doesn't normally blow phones up and at the time her and her brother had been making multiple trips to er. (Mom on that side is kinda a freak about er and if the kid even huffs wrong it's to er). So I was like wait wait what if they are going to er again? My husband several grumbles later answers my phone and my bonus daughter wants me. UH OH! I get on the phone and she begins begging me to allow her to move back in. Not exactly in the mood after that. Sometimes kids just hit the right moment don't they?! After a hour of speaking to her we work it all out and i say ok look we will call your mom tomorrow and work it all out. A few hours later I get a phone call from mom, screaming in my ear asking what I was doing upsetting her kid. WHOA wait what? I said Mom (not disclosing her name sorry) look I didn't call her she called me and needed to discuss something. Mom of courses says she wants to know what, my response wait you don't know? I hand the phone off to hubby. I will not be the one to break that one down. Two hours later and a crying mom, upset teen and a pissed dad here I am not getting to finish what I started with my husband several hours before. It's sad.
So let's fine tune a few things, first of all for me that phone call could have and should have waited. I always seem to put our kids first. It doesn't matter which side of this marriage they come from I put it first. Should I always do that, no. My husband is my world and my everything in 20 years when I am old and falling apart he is going to be the one holding my hand not the kids. Does that mean you ignore the kids well no I don't think that you should do that either.
For me I realized I must always push my marriage to the front. Through all the BS and such that comes with being a blended family. You have to secure that bond so that you can always be on the same page.... and push through till your there.
Tomorrow is our 4 year anniversary, so I am going to post a few things for you there but I am also taking the weekend off. We leave tomorrow for Gattlinburg, I am super excited to go spend our time with another couple that we are extremely close with. One that gets the whole blend thing, but I must say she is a little luckier than I on this because he simply walked away from the family and pays support never seeing the child. I say that but she may disagree, see she has to work hard to explain to her kid the situation. Any ways.... see yall tommorrow
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Monday, March 25, 2013
Monday Monday
I shouldn't be old enough probably to know this song Monday, Monday by the mamas and papas but I do.
Monday's were always the worst for me after kid exchange. You know it was kinda the day that the ex has had the kid back and something from your home is leaked. "omg you got a new couch? well your child needs this!" OR "What does your new wife mean by I am not doing the best for our children why did she say that?" I have teens have I mentioned this? Yeah if I want to have a private talk in my home, I literally have to jump in the car and drive to discuss it. Children are always listening and with teens if they think it will make life wonderful on this side of that you can pretty much promise yourself the info is traveling. I always hated that side of it. Why can something in my home travel to the ex's home which then ensures a fight till the death? It's like being at a fight, we circle each other and stare each other down in prayer that it will stop but then claws come out and it is on.
Let me tell you a little something from both sides of this fence. First from the mom of the child's side, It's your kid right? So no matter if you are totally sucking as a parent right now, or if your super woman and flying colors around step mom... you are amazing. You do know wrong. Well there is fault in that theory and I will tell you why. You in your mind are doing amazing but in that teens mind you suck. You suck because you won't let them dress as they please, date whom they please, be out as late as they please and drink as they please. Now this makes you actually a great mom just not in their mind. Unless of course you're allowing said child to run crazy. I have seen this side of parenting as well, typically the child is in some sort of trouble. Not all kids of course but some. My kids vent I am to overprotective, that heaven forbid I make them do chores (which in their mind is the only reason I had them), I expect good school grades and I expect results.
From the bonus mom side, Your going insane right? Because the mom of the child not only is spitting fire at the kids about you, which then makes said kids come spitting fire, but she is texting or emailing the air waves up like crazy with your husband. Did I mention he is YOURS you have him now she has lost all rights. You wanna play fair you know his kids need you and you can see his kids need some respect and other stuff taught but it's not happening. Of course the minute you mention one little thing wrong a bonus kid did, it's war in your home. Suddenly your kids have done wrong, or you did. Yup the bonus mom. Anything you say or do can and will be repeated in mom's ear.
So how do you protect yourself you might ask. Well this is a interesting question, I have been a blended family for 4 years. Prior to blending I was single bound never to marry again. I personally have approached the protecting myself several ways. From the beginning I took the approach of I see something wrong let me fix it. So I took up taking care of many of my bonus son's medical appointments. Mom, of course, did not care she willingly turned it all over because she "didn't have time". Then she got embarrassed. People we calling me his mom, which I always corrected, and praising me for his major improvements. My bonus son began doing things he had not done before. He was walking, taking bites from sandwiches and talking so much clearer. Suddenly mom put a stop to me doing anything. She wanted me not even touching him. I was sad, extremely hurt but mostly I feared for the child caught up. She swore to get him therapy, to continue the path we were on and did not. But I have no rights. I have the right simply to nag my husband right? So I tried that path. Yeah we fought and fought and fought and fought. To the point that it almost tore down my marriage. It left me with where I am now. I am at the sit back watch it happen NICELY remind the husband and take MAJOR breaths. It is all you can do I believe. I believe this because you have to remind yourself that you have nothing... no real rights to this child. I could go into the things I find out from my bonus daughter as well but you know why bother? The fact is I love both children so much, and while if it was me I would be being a mom way different I am not mom. I am bonus mom. I get them for visits and for long talks. If they lived in my home, even every other week I would be allowed to enforce some rules. But they don't and so I am left deep breathing.
How do you handle the ex exchange? Weather you are mom or bonus mom, heck you might be both like me. I am always looking for useful ideas.
Monday's were always the worst for me after kid exchange. You know it was kinda the day that the ex has had the kid back and something from your home is leaked. "omg you got a new couch? well your child needs this!" OR "What does your new wife mean by I am not doing the best for our children why did she say that?" I have teens have I mentioned this? Yeah if I want to have a private talk in my home, I literally have to jump in the car and drive to discuss it. Children are always listening and with teens if they think it will make life wonderful on this side of that you can pretty much promise yourself the info is traveling. I always hated that side of it. Why can something in my home travel to the ex's home which then ensures a fight till the death? It's like being at a fight, we circle each other and stare each other down in prayer that it will stop but then claws come out and it is on.
Let me tell you a little something from both sides of this fence. First from the mom of the child's side, It's your kid right? So no matter if you are totally sucking as a parent right now, or if your super woman and flying colors around step mom... you are amazing. You do know wrong. Well there is fault in that theory and I will tell you why. You in your mind are doing amazing but in that teens mind you suck. You suck because you won't let them dress as they please, date whom they please, be out as late as they please and drink as they please. Now this makes you actually a great mom just not in their mind. Unless of course you're allowing said child to run crazy. I have seen this side of parenting as well, typically the child is in some sort of trouble. Not all kids of course but some. My kids vent I am to overprotective, that heaven forbid I make them do chores (which in their mind is the only reason I had them), I expect good school grades and I expect results.
From the bonus mom side, Your going insane right? Because the mom of the child not only is spitting fire at the kids about you, which then makes said kids come spitting fire, but she is texting or emailing the air waves up like crazy with your husband. Did I mention he is YOURS you have him now she has lost all rights. You wanna play fair you know his kids need you and you can see his kids need some respect and other stuff taught but it's not happening. Of course the minute you mention one little thing wrong a bonus kid did, it's war in your home. Suddenly your kids have done wrong, or you did. Yup the bonus mom. Anything you say or do can and will be repeated in mom's ear.
So how do you protect yourself you might ask. Well this is a interesting question, I have been a blended family for 4 years. Prior to blending I was single bound never to marry again. I personally have approached the protecting myself several ways. From the beginning I took the approach of I see something wrong let me fix it. So I took up taking care of many of my bonus son's medical appointments. Mom, of course, did not care she willingly turned it all over because she "didn't have time". Then she got embarrassed. People we calling me his mom, which I always corrected, and praising me for his major improvements. My bonus son began doing things he had not done before. He was walking, taking bites from sandwiches and talking so much clearer. Suddenly mom put a stop to me doing anything. She wanted me not even touching him. I was sad, extremely hurt but mostly I feared for the child caught up. She swore to get him therapy, to continue the path we were on and did not. But I have no rights. I have the right simply to nag my husband right? So I tried that path. Yeah we fought and fought and fought and fought. To the point that it almost tore down my marriage. It left me with where I am now. I am at the sit back watch it happen NICELY remind the husband and take MAJOR breaths. It is all you can do I believe. I believe this because you have to remind yourself that you have nothing... no real rights to this child. I could go into the things I find out from my bonus daughter as well but you know why bother? The fact is I love both children so much, and while if it was me I would be being a mom way different I am not mom. I am bonus mom. I get them for visits and for long talks. If they lived in my home, even every other week I would be allowed to enforce some rules. But they don't and so I am left deep breathing.
How do you handle the ex exchange? Weather you are mom or bonus mom, heck you might be both like me. I am always looking for useful ideas.
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Slacking Saturday 5 slacking options
You ever notice that on Saturday's when you want to take it easy and relax you're instead playing run around? The kids have a project due or you have stuff around the home to get done, because after all who has enough time in the middle of the week? It is crazy. Nuts I tell you. I try to slack a little on Saturday's just take it easy but in fact it is not.
Some families are exchanging kids on Saturday. Some are just getting to bond with their bonus (step) kids. It is sad, often hard. You get from Friday to Sunday with the child and of course it might not always be a great exchange. You don't want to be the "homework" house, you don't want to be the strict house but rules must apply, life must continue.
We no longer get our bonus kids for this exchange. We made a choice to move about 5 hours away from my bonus children. It really was sad but we did it for a large number of reasons. Our Saturday's are spent with my kids. When we do get the bonus kids, Saturday is often exchange Saturday, often my kids are in exchange mode then as well. For us when the bonus kids are there we deal with a awkwardness almost. They haven't been in our home for a few months, they are not sure what to do or what not to do. It is worry-some.
So I have a few slacking things that are fun things as well that you can take the kids to do. These are a few of our favorites in my family.
1. We take subway, a football, blanket, a few books, and the family to the park. What better then a picnic in the park? We live in Charleston so parks are absolutely everywhere. Our favorite is the Battery. Right off of the water we can walk the battery, watch the horses walk by on the tours. We simply enjoy the relaxing atmosphere.
2. Geocaching. Have you heard of this? It is a world wide treasure hunt. This works perfect for us when we have to exchange. We take time for find a local cache to where we are exchanging children and allow the kids to find it and get a little run out before they are put in a car for another 2 hour ride. It gives them that run around time so the trip is not so bad. We also check for some when we do potty breaks and in town. We actually sponsor a local cache as well. It gives us a chance to teach the kids to be responsible for something in society. If you haven't heard of it check it out here www.geocaching.com
3. Yard sale oh my gosh who doesn't love seeing and getting someone else's junk? We live in a town now that does a large number of community yard sales. I have never heard of doing a neighborhood yard sale instead of yeah just pick a date and do it, not saying they don't do that too, but gesh it is awesome. I can take on 3 neighborhoods in a day and hit up to 100 places. INSANE! My kids earn money solely to do this.
5. Volunteering, do you do this? I try to make the kids do some sort of volunteering. I may not raise perfect kids but I want them to understand that people out there are less fortunate or simply that they need to give back to society. Maybe in some aspect I hope that they will be raised similar to me. It doesn't seem like a slacker option but think about it, your not at home cleaning. The kids are not in front of a tv or video game. As a family you're working together to make something happen. Pick a spot you're interested in. The aspca, habitat for humanity, build a house, heck go clean a old person down the road's yard because you know she struggles. Give back. :)
Welp there are my 5 suggestions for slacking off. What are yours? What does your family do together on Saturday's to make it family time? I'd love to hear them. Drop me a comment lets hear it.
Some families are exchanging kids on Saturday. Some are just getting to bond with their bonus (step) kids. It is sad, often hard. You get from Friday to Sunday with the child and of course it might not always be a great exchange. You don't want to be the "homework" house, you don't want to be the strict house but rules must apply, life must continue.
We no longer get our bonus kids for this exchange. We made a choice to move about 5 hours away from my bonus children. It really was sad but we did it for a large number of reasons. Our Saturday's are spent with my kids. When we do get the bonus kids, Saturday is often exchange Saturday, often my kids are in exchange mode then as well. For us when the bonus kids are there we deal with a awkwardness almost. They haven't been in our home for a few months, they are not sure what to do or what not to do. It is worry-some.
So I have a few slacking things that are fun things as well that you can take the kids to do. These are a few of our favorites in my family.
1. We take subway, a football, blanket, a few books, and the family to the park. What better then a picnic in the park? We live in Charleston so parks are absolutely everywhere. Our favorite is the Battery. Right off of the water we can walk the battery, watch the horses walk by on the tours. We simply enjoy the relaxing atmosphere.
2. Geocaching. Have you heard of this? It is a world wide treasure hunt. This works perfect for us when we have to exchange. We take time for find a local cache to where we are exchanging children and allow the kids to find it and get a little run out before they are put in a car for another 2 hour ride. It gives them that run around time so the trip is not so bad. We also check for some when we do potty breaks and in town. We actually sponsor a local cache as well. It gives us a chance to teach the kids to be responsible for something in society. If you haven't heard of it check it out here www.geocaching.com
3. Yard sale oh my gosh who doesn't love seeing and getting someone else's junk? We live in a town now that does a large number of community yard sales. I have never heard of doing a neighborhood yard sale instead of yeah just pick a date and do it, not saying they don't do that too, but gesh it is awesome. I can take on 3 neighborhoods in a day and hit up to 100 places. INSANE! My kids earn money solely to do this.
5. Volunteering, do you do this? I try to make the kids do some sort of volunteering. I may not raise perfect kids but I want them to understand that people out there are less fortunate or simply that they need to give back to society. Maybe in some aspect I hope that they will be raised similar to me. It doesn't seem like a slacker option but think about it, your not at home cleaning. The kids are not in front of a tv or video game. As a family you're working together to make something happen. Pick a spot you're interested in. The aspca, habitat for humanity, build a house, heck go clean a old person down the road's yard because you know she struggles. Give back. :)
Welp there are my 5 suggestions for slacking off. What are yours? What does your family do together on Saturday's to make it family time? I'd love to hear them. Drop me a comment lets hear it.
Friday, March 22, 2013
Blogging restarts
I formerly used this blog to vent and scream and holler about growing pains in a marriage. Why do that? Life is to complicated to vent and scream when in fact you can not control anything. You can control yourself. You can control your actions, not your spouses, your spouses ex's, the bonus kids, the crazy family associated. So having said that, welcome to the new beginning of oops I forgot to breath. It is time for a new beginning and a new plan. Why not help others verses screaming from the top of the roof?! I am happy to be back. I intend to blog regularly and I hope you enjoy the blog.
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